mind bending

I don't know what I'm thinking sometimes. I'll correct myself, sometimes I do, most of the time I don't. My mind wanders with no particular pattern. Sometimes circles, but most of the time my thoughts just dart around randomly. Its like I can't control it anymore. I don't take medicine to make it stop, because it won't make it stop. I take my medicine so that I won't give a fuck anymore... you know, about my thoughts going crazy in my head. I do give a fuck about myself, I give plenty of fuck about myself. Its just... when something bothers me, it continues to bother me until my mind is able to reach some sort of solution to the problem in question. If a problem is big enough, it can bother me for days on end. I will spend hours, days even, sleepless and in a sort of daze wondering “what the hell do I do next?” I don't take my medicine to make it stop, because it doesn't stop it anymore. I take my medicine so that I don't give two fucks about the circles my mind is doing around my body. Maybe I need to up my dosage temporarily, because it used to help me sleep. Ever since little David was born, these last 6 weeks, I've wanted to take an Ambien and just sleep it off for 12 hours or so, but I need to be prepared for anything. You know, in case he wakes up in the middle of the night. The only mornings I am really able to sleep in are Saturdays and Sundays. That is, every other Saturday when David has the day off from work. Tomorrow is not one of those Saturdays, so I will have to wait until Sunday for that one. I think I might take an Ambien Saturday night. As long as I give Dave a heads up, he's usually okay with getting up with little Dave at night. Of course, little David has been sleeping through the night for almost the last 3 weeks now. I guess I just have super babies.

Nadia has been so great at helping out with little David. I do have to say, I'm seeing her being a better big sister than I could ever be. I tried to be that awesome big sister to my little brother, Austin. Problem is, it seemed like every time I would get closer to my brother, another door would shut me out. He won't even call me anymore. I'm not even so sure the number that I have in my old phone is his number anymore. I tried to talk to him on FaceBook, but all I get is shit. So, I guess I fucked up at being any sort of a big sister. I can't say I didn't try. I just wish things hadn't been so fucked up for myself, else I would have been able to be there for him more than what I was. I'm not going to let that happen to Nadia and David. I want them to have a strong brother-sister relationship... not the kind of crap that goes on with my family. Hell, this Monday will make 6 weeks since I've spoken to my mother... or maybe it was Tuesday. Hell, I don't really care anymore. I haven't been nearly as stressed out about things. I wonder if David has noticed it. I'm sure he has because Mrs. Margaret has noticed it and so have people that follow me on FaceBook. They seem to be the only friends I have up here besides people I've met through David. Half the people I worked with at Pizza Hut, I don't really even talk to anymore. I would love to go back, but things are just complicated right now. I don't think David really wants me to go back to work. I'm not sure. I like being a stay-at-home mom, in a way, but sometimes I wish I did have that job to get things you know, done. That probably doesn't make any sense at all. I've spent most of my (adult) life having to fend for myself in one way or another. If its been babysitting and cutting grass on the side, to fixing computers, and doing errands for people. It really doesn't matter. In some sense or another, I've always had some form of income, tax paying job or not. Now I'm just the stay-at-home mom collecting food stamp benefits and going to school online. I feel out of place. I mean, at least the school thing feels right. I like school. I like learning things. As you can see, my thoughts are bouncing around again. Let me go back to Nadia. She is the sweetest thing with little David. She stands over him with the sweetest smile on her face and says “he's cute!” ALL of the time. I love the way she interacts with him. If he drops his binky she goes “UH OH baby losted his binky” and tries to stick it back in his mouth. It is by-far the cutest thing. She will stick her tongue out at him and he will smile and stick his tongue out at her and she will giggle. She picks his blanket up and tucks it around him in the bouncy chair. She even insists on feeding him every now and then. She wants to be a part of helping with him. There is absolutely no jealousy there that I can see. She's the same girl now that she was before. It just took a few weeks of adjusting, that's all. So far, I don't even have to separate the two of them in the car. She doesn't typically bother him. Usually she will reach over and help out with him while I'm driving. She'll throw the blanket back over his legs, or even push his binky back into his mouth. Last week I caught her pulling the shade down over his car seat to block out the sunlight.

You know, they say no one is ever perfect. But my kids are about as close to perfect as it gets. All kids are a pain in the ass at some point or another. That's just bound to happen. However, most kids don't sleep through the night at 2 (Nadia) and 3 (David) weeks old. Most kids are not as predictable as mine... even though when they do something they shouldn't... they know how to do it right and make a huge mess!!! Well, I can't really say much for David. I haven't had to experience that with him yet, but Nadia, on the other hand. She's a very smart girl. She's just a pain in the ass... most of the time. All kids are going to be a pain, that's definitely not anything new. What's new about it, is how you deal with it for yourself and for them. A good parent knows when to enforce discipline and when to kiss the boo-boos. I can't wait until David is old enough to climb up in the bed and have story time with Nadia and I. :)

Ring-a-ling-a-ling-ling

Sometimes I look back and wonder if it is normal, you know, to not feel anything.  Have I truly moved on?  I mean, I'm still looking at his profile, but when I look, I feel absolute nothing.  I don't feel butterflies anymore, I don't feel happy that I've moved on, and I don't feel hatred because of his betrayal.  I feel like... whatever... you know?  That's the only way I think I could ever possibly describe it, other than just "nothing."  I feel WHATEVER... (nothing).  Yes, I still think.  I think he's a complete and utter moron because he's trying to impress me and tell me he's moved on by being engaged to a girl who's practically jail bait.  If she was 5 minutes younger, he'd be robbing the cradle.  What a retard.  Haha.  In a way, I do feel.  I feel sorry for her because she hasn't realized what kind of person he is... but I no longer feel its my duty to prove it to anyone.  So, whatever, you know.  I made the same damn mistake 6 years ago.  Fuck it.

I don't hold it against Nadia, that her bio-dad is a complete asshole and moron.  That has nothing to do with her.  Its not her fault.  It was entirely my fault.  I don't know where my mother gets it in her head that I'm holding that against my daughter.  Nadia can't help who her father is.  I was the stupid one.  Yes, I'm pissed that he doesn't keep up with child support and keeps making excuses... "Work won't give me hours." and "What do you want me to do, find a second job?"  Yes you idiot, get a second job because I'm tired of being the nice person.  I'm tired of you calling my house.  I'm tired of you calling my cell phone.  I'm tired of you texting me.  I'm tired of you fucking emailing me.  I wonder if he realizes that getting the divorce meant he didn't have to talk to me every single day.  Half the time, he doesn't even ask about her.

I had to fix that.  You see, there's this little option on my phone in the contacts information where I can check the box and my phone automatically sends that person to voicemail.  Its great.  I don't have to press ignore anymore.  :)

I mention all of this, but there is really another issue I've been beating around the bush about.  I'm ready to move on.  I want to commit.  Stupid me forgot I wrote something on the bathroom mirror the other night after taking a shower.  "Lets get married" it said.  I had put that up there to get the idea of it in my own head to see what I really felt.  It felt good.  Only, I honestly was too tired to remember to erase it.  David saw it when he took a shower the next night.  Oops!  He walked out and goes "okay."  Of course, my shower the night before was between 2 and 3 am, so I was so tired and completely clueless about what he was talking about... "HUH?" duh, dummy, what you wrote!  "What you wrote on the mirror" David said.  I reply, "OH SHIT, THAT!"  LOL yeah, hmm... THAT.  Its an idea, but I guess I pictured things being more traditional.  I mean, I wish that in a sense, they could be traditional, but at this point I don't know if it really matters.

I dream of being proposed to properly... not some shit of "WELL, HERE'S YOUR RING" and practically throwing the box at me after paying the ring off when we had been technically engaged for over a year.  Ick, the relationship with Thomas was a complete and utter NIGHTMARE!!!!  No sense of romanticism at all, really.  I don't know what my problem was.  Maybe I was the retarded one.

I just have a lot of crap on my mind.  I've never done anything traditionally and I kind of like it that way in some sense, but I want a real proposal, you know.  I don't like the idea of having the ring thrown at me or not having a ring at all.  I want something there to show people when I tell them we're engaged, not to say "well, I'm engaged" and then leave everyone asking where my ring is and screaming at me because I said yes without the ring.  I don't care what kind of ring it is, its just tradition.  I want something there to symbolize our engagement, not just an arthritic hand with a lack of anything of circular proportions.  For Christ's sake, we have a child together now.  I know I mean more to him than just "a girlfriend."  He doesn't have to prove how he feels to me, but I want him to prove it to everyone else.  Is it selfish to ask for that?