Sometimes I look back and wonder if it is normal, you know, to not feel anything. Have I truly moved on? I mean, I'm still looking at his profile, but when I look, I feel absolute nothing. I don't feel butterflies anymore, I don't feel happy that I've moved on, and I don't feel hatred because of his betrayal. I feel like... whatever... you know? That's the only way I think I could ever possibly describe it, other than just "nothing." I feel WHATEVER... (nothing). Yes, I still think. I think he's a complete and utter moron because he's trying to impress me and tell me he's moved on by being engaged to a girl who's practically jail bait. If she was 5 minutes younger, he'd be robbing the cradle. What a retard. Haha. In a way, I do feel. I feel sorry for her because she hasn't realized what kind of person he is... but I no longer feel its my duty to prove it to anyone. So, whatever, you know. I made the same damn mistake 6 years ago. Fuck it.
I don't hold it against Nadia, that her bio-dad is a complete asshole and moron. That has nothing to do with her. Its not her fault. It was entirely my fault. I don't know where my mother gets it in her head that I'm holding that against my daughter. Nadia can't help who her father is. I was the stupid one. Yes, I'm pissed that he doesn't keep up with child support and keeps making excuses... "Work won't give me hours." and "What do you want me to do, find a second job?" Yes you idiot, get a second job because I'm tired of being the nice person. I'm tired of you calling my house. I'm tired of you calling my cell phone. I'm tired of you texting me. I'm tired of you fucking emailing me. I wonder if he realizes that getting the divorce meant he didn't have to talk to me every single day. Half the time, he doesn't even ask about her.
I had to fix that. You see, there's this little option on my phone in the contacts information where I can check the box and my phone automatically sends that person to voicemail. Its great. I don't have to press ignore anymore. :)
I mention all of this, but there is really another issue I've been beating around the bush about. I'm ready to move on. I want to commit. Stupid me forgot I wrote something on the bathroom mirror the other night after taking a shower. "Lets get married" it said. I had put that up there to get the idea of it in my own head to see what I really felt. It felt good. Only, I honestly was too tired to remember to erase it. David saw it when he took a shower the next night. Oops! He walked out and goes "okay." Of course, my shower the night before was between 2 and 3 am, so I was so tired and completely clueless about what he was talking about... "HUH?" duh, dummy, what you wrote! "What you wrote on the mirror" David said. I reply, "OH SHIT, THAT!" LOL yeah, hmm... THAT. Its an idea, but I guess I pictured things being more traditional. I mean, I wish that in a sense, they could be traditional, but at this point I don't know if it really matters.
I dream of being proposed to properly... not some shit of "WELL, HERE'S YOUR RING" and practically throwing the box at me after paying the ring off when we had been technically engaged for over a year. Ick, the relationship with Thomas was a complete and utter NIGHTMARE!!!! No sense of romanticism at all, really. I don't know what my problem was. Maybe I was the retarded one.
I just have a lot of crap on my mind. I've never done anything traditionally and I kind of like it that way in some sense, but I want a real proposal, you know. I don't like the idea of having the ring thrown at me or not having a ring at all. I want something there to show people when I tell them we're engaged, not to say "well, I'm engaged" and then leave everyone asking where my ring is and screaming at me because I said yes without the ring. I don't care what kind of ring it is, its just tradition. I want something there to symbolize our engagement, not just an arthritic hand with a lack of anything of circular proportions. For Christ's sake, we have a child together now. I know I mean more to him than just "a girlfriend." He doesn't have to prove how he feels to me, but I want him to prove it to everyone else. Is it selfish to ask for that?
No comments:
Post a Comment