I'm never going to be the type of person everyone else wants me to be. I don't want to be the type of person everyone else wants me to to be. I was told earlier this week that I was a toxic person because I am always so negative. This came from someone who I considered my best friend, sister, and the woman that was supposed to be my maid of honor (past tense, of course.) I'm done. I can't take advice from someone who's never taken on an ounce of responsiblity in her life and actually taken it seriously...
...A person that calls herself a sister to me, but is always too busy to answer the phone or call me back...
...A person that calls herself a sister but cancels our solid plans to go out with someone she just met on a dating app...
...A person who tells me to shut up after trying to warn her about the dangers of online and/or phone app dating...
...A person who doesn't seem to give a flying fuck one way or another what actually happens to her so-called "sister"...
...A certain "sister" who never visited me any of the times I was in the hospital...
...Someone who accuses me of trying to hook her up all of the time when I said months before that I wasn't and never tried after that...
...Someone who never trusted me to begin with...
...Yet I trusted her...
I cried, yes... I fucking cried. 17 years of friendship down the drain because I was too blind to see how she really felt about me... The exact same way she felt about everyone else she treated like a BFF and then pushed away by talking shit behind their backs and/or ignoring. I was blinded by the fact that I may actually have had a really good friend. But I was a bad judge of character, just like I always am. I've lost so many people that I really cared about in life because I've been a bad judge of character. Some of my best friends weren't actually good for me and that's okay.
I wanted to drink tonight. I wanted to sit down and get wasted, but I walked into the kitchen with my tablet while I was searching for jobs online. I set my tablet down on our cluttered kitchen table and walked over to the cabinet. I pulled out one of my fiance's Family Guy shot glasses and didn't even bother to study it as I reached up for the bottle of Fireball. Pouring a shot, I twisted the cap back on, snatched up the shot glass and threw it on back. I looked back at the bottle, set it back on the shelf, and put the shot glass in the sink. That was it.
It wasn't until later tonight as I was sitting in bed, that I realized how much I had grown up just in that action. I could have emptied that bottle of Fireball tonight. I'm 26 years old and still in my prime, but instead, I took one single shot and put it away. Why? Because I realized that people aren't worth ruining your life or your health over. People do stupid stuff every single day and it isn't worth drinking your life away over it.
I came to the realization that I lost my maid of honor this week and I really couldn't give a damn less. It isn't the first loss I've had in my life and it won't be the last. Disappointment is everywhere and you just have to learn how to get over it. That's a part of life that many people never get through. I feel proud of myself tonight.
I could have reacted so many ways this week. There were some things that were said at the supper table tonight when my in-laws and my family went out for pizza. I wanted to open my mouth and say something to my mother in-law again, but decided it wasn't worth my time. Instead, I excused myself from the table and walked out the door. I walked across the street and went shopping at the Dollar Tree for things we needed at the house while everyone else finished supper. Did I say something to my fiance about it later? Yes, in the privacy of our own home instead of embarrassing my MIL in a place she frequents (3-5 days a week she eats at this one restaurant.) Why? Because it just wasn't worth it. If I learn to ignore her, she makes herself look like an ass in front of everyone without any help and that is enough satisfaction for me at this point.
We've been fine for the past few months. My sis in-law got married in June and moved to California with her husband. I guess my MIL was looking for someone to lean on, like a daughter replacement. Well, we had a death in the family on New Year's Eve and my sis in-law flew in from Cali the next week... and has yet to go back to Cali. She's supposedly leaving this week, but as long as she's been here, I've been ignored and treated like crap again. It also pisses me off that my sis in-law is making my kids call her crappy hubby their "Uncle Josh". I looked at her the other day and said, "You may be their aunt, but that piece of trash will never be their uncle." Her best friend who was there at the time about fell out in the floor laughing. I left it at that. Don't force my kids to associate with someone who treated you like crap, just because you married him. He's not setting any type of example for them and I don't want to have anything to do with him to begin with because of how horrible he was to her in the past.
I've got a lot on my mind and it felt good just to get it down in my blog tonight. Maybe I will try to post more in the next few months.
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