Regaining Freedom

There is a part of my life that I would like to just... cut off completely.  I'm so tired of being anchored down to the one person who betrayed me, cut me down, and left me on my own.  The one person who has neglected my daughter.  I say MY daughter because he's never been a father to her.  I'm so sick of dealing with Thomas.  I'm so sick of hearing about his girlfriend (sorry, FIANCE, they just got engaged).  I'm so sick of hearing about how he can't keep his dick in his pants and keeps knocking up every chick he's been with after me.  How he's been engaged time after time and never understood the meaning of marriage to begin with.  Because of what he did, I find it hard to recommit myself like that.  I want to get remarried.  I love David so much, but it still scares the living shit out of me.  My heart and mind were completely destroyed by what Thomas did to Nadia and I.  Its hard to overcome something like that.

I've spent most of my life being alone.  My dad left and I rarely ever saw him.  I spent most weekends with my paternal grandparents or, when I did manage to see my dad, he was mostly sleeping or at work... or spending more time with my little brother.  The most time I ever spent with him at once was when I broke my leg and he broke his foot.  Both of us were out of work.  I was 18.

I grew up with my maternal grandparents.  Mom and I lived with them for the longest time.  I don't know how to describe the relationship between my mother and I.  Even when I was in high school, it seemed like I had nothing but a bad roommate.  She never actually took on the maternal figure very well.  Mom spent years wondering what was wrong with me and forcing me on all kinds of behavioral medications instead of recognizing that she, herself, was bipolar and nothing had actually been wrong with me.  It wasn't until I was in college, that I realized she had been diagnosed as bipolar 10 years earlier.  Of course, she denied it, wouldn't take her medicine and told everyone it was "manic depressive disorder."  Okay, then when I called her out by saying it was the same thing as bipolar, she changed her story to just "depression" and says I'm crazy for calling her out on her bipolar moments.  Its probably been about 15 years now, since her diagnosis... hard to believe its been that long... or that I've survived that long with her.  HAHA!

In college, I attached to the first person that showed me any attention.  Next thing I know, I'm cutting class to be with him, spending all kinds of money.  All sorts of crap goes down.  I get pregnant, we get married, then we find out its a girl.  I find out he's cheating on me, he denies it.  I find bottles of liquor all around the bedroom when cleaning, he denies he has a drinking problem.  Then, the money runs out.  I had to dip into the fund for the baby's crib just to pay utilities and rent (to his parents of all people!)  He has a job, I don't, yet I'm paying for everything... WHERE THE FUCK WAS MY BRAIN?  I scream at him for not paying the bills and running off all the time drinking and cutting up with his friends.  He tells me "Get the fuck out then."  So, 40 degrees, pouring rain, pitch black of night, 8 months pregnant... I'm standing on the front porch of his parents' house calling everybody in my contacts list trying to get a ride.  Go figure, the only person who is able to pick me up is my ex.  He pulls up, walks me to the car, grabs all my bags and we left.

2 months later, my little girl was born.  Yes, you're thinking WTF I THOUGHT SHE WAS 8 MONTHS?  Turns out my body holds my kids WAY past term.  My daughter was 44 weeks and my son was almost 46.

So, I got into this mindset that no matter what, even when I'm alone, I will never truly be alone if I have my kids.  Now, its hard getting out of that mindset and adding David.  I love him so much.  The problem is, every time we get in the slightest argument (rarely) I feel like he's going to leave me.  I know he won't, but I feel like he will because of how many times I've been left alone by so many other people in the past.  I want to move on and one day be his wife, but I'm still an emotional wreck from my past, no matter how many times I try to deny it.  I may have a better sleeping pattern now, but I still have nightmares... and they suck... :(

12-27-12

I cannot bring myself to post
about anything so dense as a ghost

Your laughter brings back memories
of daunting, haunting, asymmetries

I cannot think, I cannot sleep
My mind is bound, I cannot count sheep.

A love so broken, so far away
Your memory haunts me night and day

I try to run, I can't get far
this game is coming up to par

I'm tired of seeing your face in my shadow.

Shut-out

I can't help but feel like I'm being shut out by her yet again.  I know that I'm sincerely trying to be friends with her after all the drama went down and I truly do want to be friends because her husband and my boyfriend have been best friends for years.  I WANT to get along, but I feel like she's only "tolerating" me for the hell of it.  I tried to strike up a conversation and get ignored.  I know damn well she heard my voice when I asked her to come back and talk to me.  The baby monitor was on full volume down by her feet and I spoke right into it, hearing the echo of my voice down the hallway.  Her response was, "I barely heard you.  I thought you were talking to the baby."  Alright, being pregnant is the only thing letting you get away with being a smart ass.  If you would clear your act up, I might not feel so tempted to knock the piss out of you after you have the baby.

I shouldn't say that... no actually, I should.  This is my blog and I'm getting my feelings out.  It pisses me off when I try to be friends with someone after something stupid happens and they act so childish as to completely shut-out all attempts of me trying to be friendly.  I will give her credit though, her and her husband did come over tonight and eat with us.  I did manage to get a "thank you" out of her for giving her two maternity shirts that were once my own... one still with the tags.

It didn't help much that the two of us were a little irritated at the guys... I was especially.  She acted like it was nothing, but I could tell it was upsetting her.  Her husband acted like a complete ass and got my bf acting up just as bad.  So now, I have to stay up all night and make sure the baby doesn't wake up because I can't take my medicine to get some sleep.  My plan was to take an Ambien.  Did that happen? NO.  Why?  Because the a-hole over here snoring on the couch got so damn drunk, I don't think he could wake up if the baby did cry.  Not that he wakes up anyways.  It makes me mad that, while he was drunk (and in front of his friends, and I specifically say *HIS friends because she doesn't like me) he claimed that he woke up with the baby all of the time.  Umm... NO, I came in from doing my grocery shopping a few times and the baby is screaming bloody murder in the crib while he's fast asleep on the couch.  It would be one thing if he had spent all day dealing with screaming children and decided to let them scream it out and take a nap, but little David had been asleep and woke up (apparently not long after I left for the store) and had been screaming so long that his little face was red.  Drunk and showing off to his friends or not, PLEASE DON'T TAKE CREDIT FOR WHAT I DO.  He won't let me catch up on my sleep during the day, so I am completely exhausted to the point where I actually had to drink a cup of coffee just to get through supper with everyone tonight.  I was literally banging my head on the kitchen table 30 minutes before anyone got here because I was so tired and wondering why the hell I didn't just cancel.  I'm still tired, yet here I am, up at 2 am typing a fucking blog that hardly anyone reads.  I don't know if this is really worth it.  Maybe it is and I just don't recognize it.

I was put down tonight... I was put down bad while they were drunk.  Truth is, I wanted to ask them to leave, but didn't want to risk an argument with him.  I love him, but his friends can be downright twats sometimes.

I pulled out a blank canvas tonight, hoping to start a painting for our daughter.  She's so amazing.  I can't believe that she will be 4 in May.  I want to make something beautiful for her... something with butterflies.  She is my little butterfly.  I would do anything for my little girl. <3

Oh the HORROR !!!! THE PAIN !!!

Okay, well, I know I haven't wrote in here in a while.  I've been doing some self-searching and trying to get things straight in my mind.  Truth is, I'm devastated after the November re-election of Obama.  It truly disgusts me how ignorant our nation has been to all the treacherous things he has done as "leader."  It makes me sick.  What's even worse, is that the stupidity tends to start more with the generation before us and goes to the generations after us.  That means that stupid, ignorant people are improperly teaching their stupid, ignorant children about what is soon to be, our nation's history.

On another note, I managed to wiggle in an appointment to get all 4 of my wisdom teeth and top 2 12-yr molars out yesterday.  I was fine until the lidocaine and nitrous oxide wore off, then all hell broke loose.  I started really feeling my face shortly before noon yesterday and the tears rolled.  David came back home after running a short errand and brought me two ice packs for my face.  After that, I slept most of the day until 11:30 pm, when he woke me up to go to the bedroom and sleep.  Okay, well, its around 5:15 am now.  I'm good.  I was able to sleep a few hours without having the cotton in my mouth and I have a little bit of discomfort, but not as much as before.  I honestly think I slept better in the last 18 hours than I have in years!

... I also never knew how good a banana tasted until I had to slowly nibble on it with my front teeth... LOL!