There is a part of my life that I would like to just... cut off completely. I'm so tired of being anchored down to the one person who betrayed me, cut me down, and left me on my own. The one person who has neglected my daughter. I say MY daughter because he's never been a father to her. I'm so sick of dealing with Thomas. I'm so sick of hearing about his girlfriend (sorry, FIANCE, they just got engaged). I'm so sick of hearing about how he can't keep his dick in his pants and keeps knocking up every chick he's been with after me. How he's been engaged time after time and never understood the meaning of marriage to begin with. Because of what he did, I find it hard to recommit myself like that. I want to get remarried. I love David so much, but it still scares the living shit out of me. My heart and mind were completely destroyed by what Thomas did to Nadia and I. Its hard to overcome something like that.
I've spent most of my life being alone. My dad left and I rarely ever saw him. I spent most weekends with my paternal grandparents or, when I did manage to see my dad, he was mostly sleeping or at work... or spending more time with my little brother. The most time I ever spent with him at once was when I broke my leg and he broke his foot. Both of us were out of work. I was 18.
I grew up with my maternal grandparents. Mom and I lived with them for the longest time. I don't know how to describe the relationship between my mother and I. Even when I was in high school, it seemed like I had nothing but a bad roommate. She never actually took on the maternal figure very well. Mom spent years wondering what was wrong with me and forcing me on all kinds of behavioral medications instead of recognizing that she, herself, was bipolar and nothing had actually been wrong with me. It wasn't until I was in college, that I realized she had been diagnosed as bipolar 10 years earlier. Of course, she denied it, wouldn't take her medicine and told everyone it was "manic depressive disorder." Okay, then when I called her out by saying it was the same thing as bipolar, she changed her story to just "depression" and says I'm crazy for calling her out on her bipolar moments. Its probably been about 15 years now, since her diagnosis... hard to believe its been that long... or that I've survived that long with her. HAHA!
In college, I attached to the first person that showed me any attention. Next thing I know, I'm cutting class to be with him, spending all kinds of money. All sorts of crap goes down. I get pregnant, we get married, then we find out its a girl. I find out he's cheating on me, he denies it. I find bottles of liquor all around the bedroom when cleaning, he denies he has a drinking problem. Then, the money runs out. I had to dip into the fund for the baby's crib just to pay utilities and rent (to his parents of all people!) He has a job, I don't, yet I'm paying for everything... WHERE THE FUCK WAS MY BRAIN? I scream at him for not paying the bills and running off all the time drinking and cutting up with his friends. He tells me "Get the fuck out then." So, 40 degrees, pouring rain, pitch black of night, 8 months pregnant... I'm standing on the front porch of his parents' house calling everybody in my contacts list trying to get a ride. Go figure, the only person who is able to pick me up is my ex. He pulls up, walks me to the car, grabs all my bags and we left.
2 months later, my little girl was born. Yes, you're thinking WTF I THOUGHT SHE WAS 8 MONTHS? Turns out my body holds my kids WAY past term. My daughter was 44 weeks and my son was almost 46.
So, I got into this mindset that no matter what, even when I'm alone, I will never truly be alone if I have my kids. Now, its hard getting out of that mindset and adding David. I love him so much. The problem is, every time we get in the slightest argument (rarely) I feel like he's going to leave me. I know he won't, but I feel like he will because of how many times I've been left alone by so many other people in the past. I want to move on and one day be his wife, but I'm still an emotional wreck from my past, no matter how many times I try to deny it. I may have a better sleeping pattern now, but I still have nightmares... and they suck... :(
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