Regaining Freedom

There is a part of my life that I would like to just... cut off completely.  I'm so tired of being anchored down to the one person who betrayed me, cut me down, and left me on my own.  The one person who has neglected my daughter.  I say MY daughter because he's never been a father to her.  I'm so sick of dealing with Thomas.  I'm so sick of hearing about his girlfriend (sorry, FIANCE, they just got engaged).  I'm so sick of hearing about how he can't keep his dick in his pants and keeps knocking up every chick he's been with after me.  How he's been engaged time after time and never understood the meaning of marriage to begin with.  Because of what he did, I find it hard to recommit myself like that.  I want to get remarried.  I love David so much, but it still scares the living shit out of me.  My heart and mind were completely destroyed by what Thomas did to Nadia and I.  Its hard to overcome something like that.

I've spent most of my life being alone.  My dad left and I rarely ever saw him.  I spent most weekends with my paternal grandparents or, when I did manage to see my dad, he was mostly sleeping or at work... or spending more time with my little brother.  The most time I ever spent with him at once was when I broke my leg and he broke his foot.  Both of us were out of work.  I was 18.

I grew up with my maternal grandparents.  Mom and I lived with them for the longest time.  I don't know how to describe the relationship between my mother and I.  Even when I was in high school, it seemed like I had nothing but a bad roommate.  She never actually took on the maternal figure very well.  Mom spent years wondering what was wrong with me and forcing me on all kinds of behavioral medications instead of recognizing that she, herself, was bipolar and nothing had actually been wrong with me.  It wasn't until I was in college, that I realized she had been diagnosed as bipolar 10 years earlier.  Of course, she denied it, wouldn't take her medicine and told everyone it was "manic depressive disorder."  Okay, then when I called her out by saying it was the same thing as bipolar, she changed her story to just "depression" and says I'm crazy for calling her out on her bipolar moments.  Its probably been about 15 years now, since her diagnosis... hard to believe its been that long... or that I've survived that long with her.  HAHA!

In college, I attached to the first person that showed me any attention.  Next thing I know, I'm cutting class to be with him, spending all kinds of money.  All sorts of crap goes down.  I get pregnant, we get married, then we find out its a girl.  I find out he's cheating on me, he denies it.  I find bottles of liquor all around the bedroom when cleaning, he denies he has a drinking problem.  Then, the money runs out.  I had to dip into the fund for the baby's crib just to pay utilities and rent (to his parents of all people!)  He has a job, I don't, yet I'm paying for everything... WHERE THE FUCK WAS MY BRAIN?  I scream at him for not paying the bills and running off all the time drinking and cutting up with his friends.  He tells me "Get the fuck out then."  So, 40 degrees, pouring rain, pitch black of night, 8 months pregnant... I'm standing on the front porch of his parents' house calling everybody in my contacts list trying to get a ride.  Go figure, the only person who is able to pick me up is my ex.  He pulls up, walks me to the car, grabs all my bags and we left.

2 months later, my little girl was born.  Yes, you're thinking WTF I THOUGHT SHE WAS 8 MONTHS?  Turns out my body holds my kids WAY past term.  My daughter was 44 weeks and my son was almost 46.

So, I got into this mindset that no matter what, even when I'm alone, I will never truly be alone if I have my kids.  Now, its hard getting out of that mindset and adding David.  I love him so much.  The problem is, every time we get in the slightest argument (rarely) I feel like he's going to leave me.  I know he won't, but I feel like he will because of how many times I've been left alone by so many other people in the past.  I want to move on and one day be his wife, but I'm still an emotional wreck from my past, no matter how many times I try to deny it.  I may have a better sleeping pattern now, but I still have nightmares... and they suck... :(

12-27-12

I cannot bring myself to post
about anything so dense as a ghost

Your laughter brings back memories
of daunting, haunting, asymmetries

I cannot think, I cannot sleep
My mind is bound, I cannot count sheep.

A love so broken, so far away
Your memory haunts me night and day

I try to run, I can't get far
this game is coming up to par

I'm tired of seeing your face in my shadow.

Shut-out

I can't help but feel like I'm being shut out by her yet again.  I know that I'm sincerely trying to be friends with her after all the drama went down and I truly do want to be friends because her husband and my boyfriend have been best friends for years.  I WANT to get along, but I feel like she's only "tolerating" me for the hell of it.  I tried to strike up a conversation and get ignored.  I know damn well she heard my voice when I asked her to come back and talk to me.  The baby monitor was on full volume down by her feet and I spoke right into it, hearing the echo of my voice down the hallway.  Her response was, "I barely heard you.  I thought you were talking to the baby."  Alright, being pregnant is the only thing letting you get away with being a smart ass.  If you would clear your act up, I might not feel so tempted to knock the piss out of you after you have the baby.

I shouldn't say that... no actually, I should.  This is my blog and I'm getting my feelings out.  It pisses me off when I try to be friends with someone after something stupid happens and they act so childish as to completely shut-out all attempts of me trying to be friendly.  I will give her credit though, her and her husband did come over tonight and eat with us.  I did manage to get a "thank you" out of her for giving her two maternity shirts that were once my own... one still with the tags.

It didn't help much that the two of us were a little irritated at the guys... I was especially.  She acted like it was nothing, but I could tell it was upsetting her.  Her husband acted like a complete ass and got my bf acting up just as bad.  So now, I have to stay up all night and make sure the baby doesn't wake up because I can't take my medicine to get some sleep.  My plan was to take an Ambien.  Did that happen? NO.  Why?  Because the a-hole over here snoring on the couch got so damn drunk, I don't think he could wake up if the baby did cry.  Not that he wakes up anyways.  It makes me mad that, while he was drunk (and in front of his friends, and I specifically say *HIS friends because she doesn't like me) he claimed that he woke up with the baby all of the time.  Umm... NO, I came in from doing my grocery shopping a few times and the baby is screaming bloody murder in the crib while he's fast asleep on the couch.  It would be one thing if he had spent all day dealing with screaming children and decided to let them scream it out and take a nap, but little David had been asleep and woke up (apparently not long after I left for the store) and had been screaming so long that his little face was red.  Drunk and showing off to his friends or not, PLEASE DON'T TAKE CREDIT FOR WHAT I DO.  He won't let me catch up on my sleep during the day, so I am completely exhausted to the point where I actually had to drink a cup of coffee just to get through supper with everyone tonight.  I was literally banging my head on the kitchen table 30 minutes before anyone got here because I was so tired and wondering why the hell I didn't just cancel.  I'm still tired, yet here I am, up at 2 am typing a fucking blog that hardly anyone reads.  I don't know if this is really worth it.  Maybe it is and I just don't recognize it.

I was put down tonight... I was put down bad while they were drunk.  Truth is, I wanted to ask them to leave, but didn't want to risk an argument with him.  I love him, but his friends can be downright twats sometimes.

I pulled out a blank canvas tonight, hoping to start a painting for our daughter.  She's so amazing.  I can't believe that she will be 4 in May.  I want to make something beautiful for her... something with butterflies.  She is my little butterfly.  I would do anything for my little girl. <3

Oh the HORROR !!!! THE PAIN !!!

Okay, well, I know I haven't wrote in here in a while.  I've been doing some self-searching and trying to get things straight in my mind.  Truth is, I'm devastated after the November re-election of Obama.  It truly disgusts me how ignorant our nation has been to all the treacherous things he has done as "leader."  It makes me sick.  What's even worse, is that the stupidity tends to start more with the generation before us and goes to the generations after us.  That means that stupid, ignorant people are improperly teaching their stupid, ignorant children about what is soon to be, our nation's history.

On another note, I managed to wiggle in an appointment to get all 4 of my wisdom teeth and top 2 12-yr molars out yesterday.  I was fine until the lidocaine and nitrous oxide wore off, then all hell broke loose.  I started really feeling my face shortly before noon yesterday and the tears rolled.  David came back home after running a short errand and brought me two ice packs for my face.  After that, I slept most of the day until 11:30 pm, when he woke me up to go to the bedroom and sleep.  Okay, well, its around 5:15 am now.  I'm good.  I was able to sleep a few hours without having the cotton in my mouth and I have a little bit of discomfort, but not as much as before.  I honestly think I slept better in the last 18 hours than I have in years!

... I also never knew how good a banana tasted until I had to slowly nibble on it with my front teeth... LOL!

Black THURSDAY?

WTF? yes, last night was when all the stores opened up. some stores even stayed open all day long on Thanksgiving. it was rather ridiculous. I spent last night laughing at stupid people at Walmart who got into multiple fights and pulling my boyfriends little sister away from the majority of the action.  while we were there, two big fights broke out and an assistant manager was trampled in the crowd.  the manager that got trampled was taken out by ambulance. on top of that, someone else got a knife pulled on them for trying to cut in line for big screen TV. Lovely.

we were out of there by 10:15. I dropped little sis off after we took the bags out of the car. then went out to the town center, where I was 1 of the first 400 people to show up and receive a free movie ticket to CineBistro and a free hot chocolate.  It was rather interesting and I got to meet quite a few people while waiting on the iPad raffle. after 3 a.m. I still had not won, so I packed up and went home and was in bed by 4.

Actual BLACK FRIDAY consists of me sitting on the couch and surfing the internet for the best deal on an iPod touch. Although, I'm thinking that maybe Cyber Monday would be a better bet for that deal...

Unlike Before

I'm finding it rather interesting, trying to figure out a way to complete my homework on time like... a plan.  Yes, that is what I need... a plan.  So, I'm going to copy and paste each discussion post topic into my Google Drive account and then type them as I get the time to do it.  (If I have time to do them all in one day, I'll probably complete them all, sources and everything.)  This will make things so much less difficult to complete.  All I have to do is save them for the day I plan on entering them, then copy and paste into the forums.  Yay!  Plus, my work will be accessible from anywhere, including my Android phone.

Maybe I should start on another topic though... things that I am thinking of today.  Well, one kid is supposed to be down for a nap.  She thinks I think she's down for a nap, but I know she isn't because I can hear her playing in her room on the wood floor and feel the vibrations halfway down the hallway.  The other one was lulled off to sleep on the ottoman by a "rain sounds" album I found on Music Unlimited for the PS3.  He's wrapped up in his super blanket with his binky hanging halfway out of his mouth and snoring.  Shame its only a 30 day trial for MU.  LOL

So, I feel better today.  For the past two days, I had a killer migraine.  I popped regular Tylenol like candy yesterday and finally got so fed up with the pain because I felt like my eyeballs were going to pop out of my skull like one of those squishy toys.  You know, the ones that you squeeze and the eyes go from o_o to O_O ?  LOL.  Well, I took a Naprosyn and Tylenol #3 w/ Codeine last night.  I slept like a baby.  I don't think I've had such a good night's sleep in weeks.  Even got rid of the pain I was having from my wisdom teeth and relaxed me enough to get that knot out of my back.  I wanted to do backflips this morning (well, I would have if I could have.)  I'd probably have another reason to go to the hospital if I attempted one.  HAHA.  I feel like I could leap over a 6 foot fence in one bound right now.  It won't last long.  I'll end up doing something to hurt myself again.  It still didn't take care of the pins and needles feeling in the heel of my foot this morning when I got out of bed, but its always like that.  I feel like I'm becoming a 90 year old woman with all this arthritis in my joints and crap.  Stupid people need to learn to quit driving drunk or high.  That's the problem though, they won't learn, because they're just plain stupid.  You can't fix stupid, the best you can do is laugh at it (if its not at your expense.)  I should research if there is a local MADD chapter in Hampton Roads.  That would be something interesting to get involved in.

I know you're probably thinking "HOW does a 23 year old have ARTHRITIS?"  Let me tell you something though, on a personal note.  I was recently diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.  It is a rare connective tissue disorder that affects several different bodily systems.  Anything from joints, to organs and skin elasticity, and even mental issues.  I think a lot of my mental problem is from the trauma I've experienced in my life, but having EDS doesn't help either.  I'm able to dislocate and subluxate my joints randomly, not on purpose, purely random.  I am also able to bend certain joints backwards.  Let's just say that I've had the problem of dislocating joints for so long that I've figured out my own techniques to effectively relocate them.  Poor healing of scars is another one.  I had a scar on my left arm for 12 years before it even began fading the slightest bit and I've busted open several "healed" scars simply by bumping them on the coffee table.  At one time, I counted more than twenty scars on my body.  I had an exact number about 6 years ago, closer to 30, but I stopped counting when I got hit by a drunk driver.  That accident left me with another 7 scars along with a few more thereafter.  I couldn't count the number of stitches and staples or other medical devices I've had in my body holding it together.  At one point I had two pins in my right elbow.  They were removed after surgery.  I also had a pin in my knee.  That was removed after surgery and replaced with two screws in my knee, a titanium rod, and another screw in my upper femur (for those of you who don't know, the femur is the strongest bone in your body located in your thigh.)  That was the result of a 125+ mph impact of a drunk driver's car back in January of 2008 (he was doing 90+ and I was doing 35.)  If anyone wants to know what runs through a person's head at that point in time, it is "OH SHIT" and a piece of glass.  Yes, my father spent a few hours in the hospital picking small pieces of glass out of my head like a monkey picking lice off another monkey.  Its sickening, thinking back on it.

I feel a lot of anger towards my family, but thinking back on it, I don't know what I would have done without them earlier on in my life.  Even if there was a ton of conflict and still is.  The difference is, I have the right to walk away now, unlike before.

ReTIRED

Here I am, retired to my own little corner of the world... my bar stool seat in the kitchen at the counter corner between the sink and stove.  I like sitting here.  I have a view of the street from the window over the sink and I'm within arms reach of the chocolate chip waffles and... a toaster.  Haha!  That's what's for supper tonight... for me anyways.  I was told today, that I need to take some of my frustrations out in my blogging and start painting more.  I guess you can't really get rid of frustrations all of the time, but at least I was reminded that I can channel them into something creative.  Not many people would think of blogging as ACTUALLY BEING CREATIVE... but it is, it draws the reader a picture of the writer's deepest thoughts.  It draws you into the mind... the soul even... of someone else.

Anyways, I'm exhausted today.  I've had a migraine since last night and it doesn't look like Tylenol is doing anything at all for it this time.  I might have to break out the good pain meds just to get a good night's sleep... if that's ever possible with a 3 year old girl who's got a bad case of the terrible 3's (luckily she's starting to grow out of it) and a 2 1/2 month old who's starting to teethe.  Yeah, my life's a mess right now.  My better half stayed up last night with another case of heartburn and I, the same migraine I still have now.

Let's take that back... I would say I'm exhausted today, because I am, but the problem is that I'm exhausted every day it seems.  I'm exhausted, yet I feel like I sleep all the time, yet I also have insomnia.  I know, it sounds pretty stupid when you think about it.  I'm exhausted because I can't sleep at night here lately and the only comfortable sleep I get is during the day between the kids napping or watching tv, so its a comfortable, yet broken sleep.  Of course, you can't expect a 3 year old to feed herself.  "MAMA! I HONWIE!" she yells.  Then the baby starts crying because she startled him from his sleep.  He's screaming because he needs a diaper change and is hungry too.

I could also say that instead of being exhausted, rather, I'm just plain old damn TIRED.  Is it bad that I just wiped out a family pack of chocolate chip waffles in under a week by myself?

Honestly speaking, I think that what I'm most tired of is my own life.  I mean, I have the same routine every single day and it drives me nuts.  I spend the same days every week trying to get my assignments for class in on time before the deadlines and end up barely making it by a few minutes.  I need a change of routine, but most of all... I think I need a vacation just for me.  Only problem is, I don't know if this house and this family could handle a single night with me away.  The BF already flipped when I talked about taking the kids to NC for a week or two.  He wanted to go with.  Honestly, I was trying to give him a break from all of us and give myself a break from them by having them stay with my grandparent's one or two nights while I went out with some old friends.  My grandparents LOVE spending time with the kids... my BF's parents... well, they have some issues.  I mean, don't get me wrong, they LOVE the kids, but his mother is a babysitter and I'm sure the last thing she wants to do is have the kids on days when she doesn't normally babysit to begin with.  Every once and a while they'll take them on the weekends for a couple of hours.  Its nice.  I got 4 loads of laundry and a load of dishes done the other day.  His parents work, my grandparents are retired and full of energy to explore and do things with the kids.

I want a ME day... is that too much to ask?

Tired

I'm so tired of arguing over who's who or what's what and when something is going to happen or why it hasn't.  I'm so tired of guessing all of the time and wondering what the hell people are actually thinking because nobody ever truly says what they're thinking anymore.  Honestly, they're all just a bunch of posers and retards.  That's what I think.  But I've found myself doing the same thing.  Tired of conflict.  I honestly find that I don't give a rat's ass about the other person unless they are somehow close to me... yet I'm just tired of having things stirred up for no apparent reason whatsoever, other than me opening my mouth and people reacting stupid.  I walked up to my best friend, my sister, in the middle of the mall when she asked why everyone was looking at her strangely and said "because you're acting like a stuckup selfish conceded bitch."  Honestly, I was waiting for her to turn around and knock the shit out of me.  She shrugs and goes "true" I almost fell out in the floor in shock.  I love that girl to death, she's my BFF, my sister for life.  Why can't everyone else just act like that?  Why do people have to flip out over something stupid?  People call me a bitch and I say "yeah, so what?"

I AM THE REAL THING.  I'M HERE.

My counselor asked me what my strengths were the other day.  I mentioned first, being a good mom.  I love my kids.  They're super kids.  My second, was being a good shopper.  I never mentioned anything about how I speak what's on my mind because I'm starting to think that it's not such a good thing anymore.  Although I keep getting told by others that its a good trait to have.  Honesty, that's a good trait.  Similar, but not the same.  Honesty is being frugal, where speaking your mind gets your ass kicked.  You don't tell lies, but you don't tell the whole truth.  Nobody needs to know EVERYTHING is what I keep getting told by certain people.  Whatever.  You know, I honestly don't care anymore what people know or don't know because what they say or do doesn't matter to me.  I'm in a strong and steady relationship with someone I love more than anything in this world, so whatever anyone has to say or do won't matter. 

X's and O-shits

Yes, O-SHITS.  My biggest one being my ex-husband.  My latest one hasn't occurred for quite some time (about 3 years, 2 months).  However, my ex-husband seems to keep haunting me.  Its like he doesn't know what the EX in EX-husband is.  We are divorced, have been separated since Mar 2009 and made it an official divorce in 2010.  Hallelujah!  Now GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE.  No, wait, I took you for child support.  Oh yes, now you think you're entitled to see a child who's mother you abused while she was pregnant.  I have news for you.  I have another child now by another man and I have every right to protect BOTH OF MY CHILDREN, as does my significant other.

I'm so tired of being harassed.  I'm so tired of having him bug me.  I'm glad that he lost my house phone number because I won't make the mistake of giving it to him again.  Maybe he lost our address.  I only have to give him a permanent address, not the one we're actually living at.  I truly hope the son-of-a-bitch ends up driving off the Interstate into a ravine or something.  He annoys the living shit out of me.  I keep getting email after email after email.  Beats the text messages, but right now the man is behind $731.80 in child support, not counting the extra $305 he owes for November.

Even worse is his attitude about it.  "SHE IS MY DAUGHTER" heh, only by blood.  She sure as Hell doesn't know him.  I should teach her how to punch him in the nuts whenever he does happen to show up.  That'll teach him a lesson.  Maybe even keep him from having other illegitimate children.  God only knows how many he has now.

What pisses me off even more than anything is that he acts just like my father did towards my mother in the child support court hearings... making up different excuses for why he couldn't pay a certain amount.  He's working part-time so he doesn't have to pay but so much and has jobs getting paid under-the-table on the side.  I know how he works.  Unfortunately, the court can't do anything about it.  Then he lied in court while under oath, telling the judge that he paid rent to his parents.  This is a lie.  That turd hasn't paid rent to his parents since I moved out, or rather, was kicked out.  He didn't have the papers to prove it, but I didn't have the patience to sit in court for another hour arguing for another $50 or so to be added per month.  Either way, he doesn't pay what is ordered already, so what the fuck does it really matter?

I'm so frustrated with this.  I just want that ignorant fool to fall off the face of the Earth.  I've wished that for a very long time.  He asked me if his girlfriend could come up with them when they came to see my daughter ONE TIME, then every time after he brought the same girl with him.  Nice girl, but isn't that a bit much?  She doesn't have to be there sitting in your lap, hugging and kissing all over you.  Its disgusting.  You remind me of what my father did with his second wife when I was in the hospital with a broken elbow.  They did the same thing right in front of my mother and I.  Sickening.  Made everybody want to barf, especially me.  Quit using my daughter as a reason to try and piss me off or get back at me.

When I get settled into a good paying job and am done with school... THIS SHIT IS OVER FOR GOOD.
I'm doing it the proper way.  I'm getting an attorney, I'm building a list of witnesses, and I'm keeping track of your delinquent child support payments.  Then I'm changing all our phone numbers and her last name.
END OF STORY.

mind bending

I don't know what I'm thinking sometimes. I'll correct myself, sometimes I do, most of the time I don't. My mind wanders with no particular pattern. Sometimes circles, but most of the time my thoughts just dart around randomly. Its like I can't control it anymore. I don't take medicine to make it stop, because it won't make it stop. I take my medicine so that I won't give a fuck anymore... you know, about my thoughts going crazy in my head. I do give a fuck about myself, I give plenty of fuck about myself. Its just... when something bothers me, it continues to bother me until my mind is able to reach some sort of solution to the problem in question. If a problem is big enough, it can bother me for days on end. I will spend hours, days even, sleepless and in a sort of daze wondering “what the hell do I do next?” I don't take my medicine to make it stop, because it doesn't stop it anymore. I take my medicine so that I don't give two fucks about the circles my mind is doing around my body. Maybe I need to up my dosage temporarily, because it used to help me sleep. Ever since little David was born, these last 6 weeks, I've wanted to take an Ambien and just sleep it off for 12 hours or so, but I need to be prepared for anything. You know, in case he wakes up in the middle of the night. The only mornings I am really able to sleep in are Saturdays and Sundays. That is, every other Saturday when David has the day off from work. Tomorrow is not one of those Saturdays, so I will have to wait until Sunday for that one. I think I might take an Ambien Saturday night. As long as I give Dave a heads up, he's usually okay with getting up with little Dave at night. Of course, little David has been sleeping through the night for almost the last 3 weeks now. I guess I just have super babies.

Nadia has been so great at helping out with little David. I do have to say, I'm seeing her being a better big sister than I could ever be. I tried to be that awesome big sister to my little brother, Austin. Problem is, it seemed like every time I would get closer to my brother, another door would shut me out. He won't even call me anymore. I'm not even so sure the number that I have in my old phone is his number anymore. I tried to talk to him on FaceBook, but all I get is shit. So, I guess I fucked up at being any sort of a big sister. I can't say I didn't try. I just wish things hadn't been so fucked up for myself, else I would have been able to be there for him more than what I was. I'm not going to let that happen to Nadia and David. I want them to have a strong brother-sister relationship... not the kind of crap that goes on with my family. Hell, this Monday will make 6 weeks since I've spoken to my mother... or maybe it was Tuesday. Hell, I don't really care anymore. I haven't been nearly as stressed out about things. I wonder if David has noticed it. I'm sure he has because Mrs. Margaret has noticed it and so have people that follow me on FaceBook. They seem to be the only friends I have up here besides people I've met through David. Half the people I worked with at Pizza Hut, I don't really even talk to anymore. I would love to go back, but things are just complicated right now. I don't think David really wants me to go back to work. I'm not sure. I like being a stay-at-home mom, in a way, but sometimes I wish I did have that job to get things you know, done. That probably doesn't make any sense at all. I've spent most of my (adult) life having to fend for myself in one way or another. If its been babysitting and cutting grass on the side, to fixing computers, and doing errands for people. It really doesn't matter. In some sense or another, I've always had some form of income, tax paying job or not. Now I'm just the stay-at-home mom collecting food stamp benefits and going to school online. I feel out of place. I mean, at least the school thing feels right. I like school. I like learning things. As you can see, my thoughts are bouncing around again. Let me go back to Nadia. She is the sweetest thing with little David. She stands over him with the sweetest smile on her face and says “he's cute!” ALL of the time. I love the way she interacts with him. If he drops his binky she goes “UH OH baby losted his binky” and tries to stick it back in his mouth. It is by-far the cutest thing. She will stick her tongue out at him and he will smile and stick his tongue out at her and she will giggle. She picks his blanket up and tucks it around him in the bouncy chair. She even insists on feeding him every now and then. She wants to be a part of helping with him. There is absolutely no jealousy there that I can see. She's the same girl now that she was before. It just took a few weeks of adjusting, that's all. So far, I don't even have to separate the two of them in the car. She doesn't typically bother him. Usually she will reach over and help out with him while I'm driving. She'll throw the blanket back over his legs, or even push his binky back into his mouth. Last week I caught her pulling the shade down over his car seat to block out the sunlight.

You know, they say no one is ever perfect. But my kids are about as close to perfect as it gets. All kids are a pain in the ass at some point or another. That's just bound to happen. However, most kids don't sleep through the night at 2 (Nadia) and 3 (David) weeks old. Most kids are not as predictable as mine... even though when they do something they shouldn't... they know how to do it right and make a huge mess!!! Well, I can't really say much for David. I haven't had to experience that with him yet, but Nadia, on the other hand. She's a very smart girl. She's just a pain in the ass... most of the time. All kids are going to be a pain, that's definitely not anything new. What's new about it, is how you deal with it for yourself and for them. A good parent knows when to enforce discipline and when to kiss the boo-boos. I can't wait until David is old enough to climb up in the bed and have story time with Nadia and I. :)

Ring-a-ling-a-ling-ling

Sometimes I look back and wonder if it is normal, you know, to not feel anything.  Have I truly moved on?  I mean, I'm still looking at his profile, but when I look, I feel absolute nothing.  I don't feel butterflies anymore, I don't feel happy that I've moved on, and I don't feel hatred because of his betrayal.  I feel like... whatever... you know?  That's the only way I think I could ever possibly describe it, other than just "nothing."  I feel WHATEVER... (nothing).  Yes, I still think.  I think he's a complete and utter moron because he's trying to impress me and tell me he's moved on by being engaged to a girl who's practically jail bait.  If she was 5 minutes younger, he'd be robbing the cradle.  What a retard.  Haha.  In a way, I do feel.  I feel sorry for her because she hasn't realized what kind of person he is... but I no longer feel its my duty to prove it to anyone.  So, whatever, you know.  I made the same damn mistake 6 years ago.  Fuck it.

I don't hold it against Nadia, that her bio-dad is a complete asshole and moron.  That has nothing to do with her.  Its not her fault.  It was entirely my fault.  I don't know where my mother gets it in her head that I'm holding that against my daughter.  Nadia can't help who her father is.  I was the stupid one.  Yes, I'm pissed that he doesn't keep up with child support and keeps making excuses... "Work won't give me hours." and "What do you want me to do, find a second job?"  Yes you idiot, get a second job because I'm tired of being the nice person.  I'm tired of you calling my house.  I'm tired of you calling my cell phone.  I'm tired of you texting me.  I'm tired of you fucking emailing me.  I wonder if he realizes that getting the divorce meant he didn't have to talk to me every single day.  Half the time, he doesn't even ask about her.

I had to fix that.  You see, there's this little option on my phone in the contacts information where I can check the box and my phone automatically sends that person to voicemail.  Its great.  I don't have to press ignore anymore.  :)

I mention all of this, but there is really another issue I've been beating around the bush about.  I'm ready to move on.  I want to commit.  Stupid me forgot I wrote something on the bathroom mirror the other night after taking a shower.  "Lets get married" it said.  I had put that up there to get the idea of it in my own head to see what I really felt.  It felt good.  Only, I honestly was too tired to remember to erase it.  David saw it when he took a shower the next night.  Oops!  He walked out and goes "okay."  Of course, my shower the night before was between 2 and 3 am, so I was so tired and completely clueless about what he was talking about... "HUH?" duh, dummy, what you wrote!  "What you wrote on the mirror" David said.  I reply, "OH SHIT, THAT!"  LOL yeah, hmm... THAT.  Its an idea, but I guess I pictured things being more traditional.  I mean, I wish that in a sense, they could be traditional, but at this point I don't know if it really matters.

I dream of being proposed to properly... not some shit of "WELL, HERE'S YOUR RING" and practically throwing the box at me after paying the ring off when we had been technically engaged for over a year.  Ick, the relationship with Thomas was a complete and utter NIGHTMARE!!!!  No sense of romanticism at all, really.  I don't know what my problem was.  Maybe I was the retarded one.

I just have a lot of crap on my mind.  I've never done anything traditionally and I kind of like it that way in some sense, but I want a real proposal, you know.  I don't like the idea of having the ring thrown at me or not having a ring at all.  I want something there to show people when I tell them we're engaged, not to say "well, I'm engaged" and then leave everyone asking where my ring is and screaming at me because I said yes without the ring.  I don't care what kind of ring it is, its just tradition.  I want something there to symbolize our engagement, not just an arthritic hand with a lack of anything of circular proportions.  For Christ's sake, we have a child together now.  I know I mean more to him than just "a girlfriend."  He doesn't have to prove how he feels to me, but I want him to prove it to everyone else.  Is it selfish to ask for that?

Mom

I wish I knew how to tell you what's going on with my mother right now.  I have spent so many years trying to figure her out myself.  I've spent thousands of dollars on shrink sessions and psychology classes to try and understand her, but nothing seems to work.  Everytime I think I have her figured out, she throws another curveball at me and I'm back to square one with the guessing games.  I don't know how else to take her anymore and so, have given up.  I can't spend my entire life trying to figure out the one person who has alluded me the last 23 years of my life, when I have two kids of my own now and the most amazing man in the world.  I can't be bothered by this... And so, this is why I am typing this blog.  I have to release these feelings of guilt and realize that whatever happens past this point, is no longer my responsibility.  I don't have to deal with her, but if I choose to do so, I don't have to deal with her alone.

A Brighter Future

2 years, 2 months, and 15 days later...

New years eve 2011

My boyfriend and I found out tonight that we're having a baby. I was so shocked, I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or cry.